Bodega Head(ache)

My friend Dorothy and I went out with a group women friends for a leisurely afternoon hike out at Bodega Head recently. There were twelve of us starting out and it was a beautiful morning! Ah, a relaxing walk on the beach...what could be better, I mused.

We took a circuitous route from the parking lot, viewed the Marine Research Lab from a distance and then hiked through the sandy trails to the beach, which took about an hour and a half. When we reached the beach, some wanted to continue out to Mussel Point. But Dorothy and I were ready to head back to the car, so we took off on our own. Big mistake!! Since we had been just following the leaders and chatting along the way, we didn't pay too much attention to how we got to where we were.

Anyway, we got so "farblondjhet" (a yiddish word meaning "to wander blindly") for an interminable amount of time... it actually seemed like weeks!  We must have taken a wrong turn from the get-go. Yes, there were signs; but, unfortunately they were lying on the ground so it was hard to determine which way would take us back to the parking lot. So, we kept looking for fresh tracks from whence we came, but then the trails would just...end!

My friend was visiting from Oakland and didn't know Bodega Head from a hole in the head and I have the sense of direction of a lemming. So, since we kept losing it (the trail, I mean... although I was kind of losing it and thinking we'd have to call 911 and have a helicopter come and rescue us from the endless dunes before we either died of starvation or water deprivation), we kept back-tracking over and over and over again. It seemed like for every one step forward, we two-stepped back (and I'm not talking country western dancing here). I was getting so turned around my head was spinning. 

Finally, I got desperate when I saw a semi-paved road in the distance. At that point, the trail be damned! We took off as the crow flies and scampered right through the tall, brambly grasses (which kept impaling my fingers, but at that point I didn't think about my bleeding to death because I was becoming delusional), almost colliding with a herd of rabid deer and a giant, woman-eating jackrabbit! I was also getting paranoid about getting eaten alive by deer tics that I envisioned invading every orifice of my body with Lyme's disease. I didn't mention this to Dorothy because I didn't want to have to carry her on my back if she freaked out about the tic thing. So, on we trekked through the Dune Buries (which was I was afraid would happen to us if we didn't find our way back by nightfall) until we reached the back-road. I was semi-relieved, even though I didn't know where the heck we were, because at that point I figured we could always call a taxi. Again, we headed the wrong way for about 10 minutes and had to double back yet again (talk about wrong-way Corrigan!). 

Then, after wending our way out to the main highway, I saw a "host RV" across the road and high-tailed it over there and begged the woman to give us a ride back to the Bodega Head parking lot, which was still two miles from where we were! She was very sweet, drove us back to the parking lot and we were finally SAVED! Yea! And, as the old adage goes, all's well that ends swell! :-)

The PROBLEM

The PROBLEM is
The PROLIFERATION
And PREPONDERANCE
Of POMPOUS
PATRIARCHAL
POLITICIANS
With a PROPENSITY
For the PURSUIT
Of PROFIT
And POWER

The Room 'O Doom

Vanna knew that place all too well
The room in which she used to dwell
That was the room where she was born
A sullen child, so sad, forlorn

Her room was painted black and gray
It was there she'd eat, sleep and play
The sheets were faded, old and worn
Pillowcases, ravaged and torn

A filthy mattress lay upon the floor
Splinters jutting from the old wood door
The paint on the walls, alas, was peeling
Cobwebs draped upon her from the ceiling

Out of the window, she could not see
For if she could, she was sure she'd flee
The crud, the dirt... oh, so thick
No wonder she was always sick

In the rug nestled a family of mice
Along with fire ants, spiders and lice
Fetid clothes in her closet would reek
Her future was looking horribly bleak

Vanna could not imagine a life more dismal
Each and every day was utterly abysmal
Her caretakers were hateful, evil and wicked
They flung food on the floor for her to lick it

She had no toys so she played with her ears
This helped to alleviate some of her fears
She never, ever ventured out of that room
Each day was like living in the Temple of Doom

Late at night she heard tortured screams
Images of the dead permeated her dreams
She knew for sure that her room was haunted
Yet she survived, though scathed and daunted

Vanna lived in that prison for 20 years of her life
Till finally she wed and became a wife
But, being married wasn't all that grand
It made her little room... seem like Disneyland

I Love Not Camping!

The first time I went camping...Oy! was I nervous
Camping to me was not having room service
We shlepped tents, sleeping bags, food, pots and clothes
Pillows, bug spray and sun block for my nose

Five hours to put up a tent called a dome
I told my friend Ethel, "I'm tired, I wanna go home"
I had to crawl on my knees in and out of the tent
Soon I couldn't straighten up... my back was permanently bent

In the middle of the night, I thought I heard a bear
It sniffled and snuffled, then I heard the tent tear
I sunk into my bag that had a polyester filler
Where was my friend?? Oy, I'm gonna kill her

I let out such a scream that I know woke the dead
But it wasn't a bear I saw, it was a raccoon's head
A mama raccoon with two of her babies
I prayed that they wouldn't attack and give me the rabies

With all this excitement, now I had to pee
But I was afraid to go out, I might squat on a bee
That's all I needed, a sting on my tush
Or poison oak from some evil bush

So into the corner of the tent I waddled
Then I took aim and peed in a bottle
I wanted my toilet, my hairdryer, my shower
I wanted my bed, running water, electric power!

The next day we went out birding and walking
And I was sure I heard a mountain lion stalking
I started to panic and ran into a boulder
I wondered if I'd survive to be another year older

We hiked all day over hill and dale
By the time we got back, I was dragging my tail
I was cranky and crabby and tired and hot
I was starving to death, I wanted to eat... a lot

Where is my food? I ranted and raved
I wanted home cooking, I wanted to be saved
Ethel said she'd never again go camping with me
I can't tell you how this threat filled me with glee

After two nights we finally went home
No more to the jungle do I ever roam
Now if I really need a little peace and quiet
I just pack up my bags and check into a Hyatt!

Same-Self Marriage

There once was a woman who married herself

She was tired of waiting like a book on a shelf

She had waited and waited for her true love to arrive

Then one day she realized, "Alone, I can survive!"

So she planned her own wedding from cake to gown

This wonderful event was the talk of the town

Arrive did she in a horse-drawn carriage

To this special day of her same-self marriage

Two hundred guests were dressed to the hilt

Happiness filled the air; not regrets, tears or guilt

She stood proudly, alone, and took a vow

To love, honor and cherish herself, starting here and now

She'd care for herself in sickness and in health

And promised to stay, whether in poverty or wealth

She'd always be faithful and from the bottom of her heart

Promised to never leave herself, till death did her part

And not for a moment did she hesitate or linger

In putting a gold wedding ring upon her own finger

Then she kissed her hand and walked up that aisle

From ear to ear, she was wearing a smile

She waltzed out on the dance floor when the music began to play

And danced alone to the song "I Did It My Way"

She knew she had found the love of her life

When she pronounced herself... Woman and Wife