The first time I went camping...Oy! was I nervous
Camping to me was not having room service
We shlepped tents, sleeping bags, food, pots and clothes
Pillows, bug spray and sun block for my nose
Five hours to put up a tent called a dome
I told my friend Ethel, "I'm tired, I wanna go home"
I had to crawl on my knees in and out of the tent
Soon I couldn't straighten up... my back was permanently bent
In the middle of the night, I thought I heard a bear
It sniffled and snuffled, then I heard the tent tear
I sunk into my bag that had a polyester filler
Where was my friend?? Oy, I'm gonna kill her
I let out such a scream that I know woke the dead
But it wasn't a bear I saw, it was a raccoon's head
A mama raccoon with two of her babies
I prayed that they wouldn't attack and give me the rabies
With all this excitement, now I had to pee
But I was afraid to go out, I might squat on a bee
That's all I needed, a sting on my tush
Or poison oak from some evil bush
So into the corner of the tent I waddled
Then I took aim and peed in a bottle
I wanted my toilet, my hairdryer, my shower
I wanted my bed, running water, electric power!
The next day we went out birding and walking
And I was sure I heard a mountain lion stalking
I started to panic and ran into a boulder
I wondered if I'd survive to be another year older
We hiked all day over hill and dale
By the time we got back, I was dragging my tail
I was cranky and crabby and tired and hot
I was starving to death, I wanted to eat... a lot
Where is my food? I ranted and raved
I wanted home cooking, I wanted to be saved
Ethel said she'd never again go camping with me
I can't tell you how this threat filled me with glee
After two nights we finally went home
No more to the jungle do I ever roam
Now if I really need a little peace and quiet
I just pack up my bags and check into a Hyatt!
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